Battle For Alanna
by Pink Squishy Llama
Summary: A crazy, disturbing story. Alanna's two egos, and Jon and George competing for Alanna... Bound to get interesting if it's written by us!
1. Chapter 1

Note: This was originally started in the midst of an extremely boring physics lesson, and continued in an English lesson. You SHOULD like it, if not, see if we care! By me and manicpony24! I'm in bold, manicpony is in italic. Thoughts are in our own style and underlined. This is BOTH a/j and a/g, some for everyone! By the way, we have not influenced each other's writing at all, it is our own business, I will not change hers, it is all original! Word for word! So blame all the sick bits on her! Oh, and blame the displacement can on our physics teacher, he gave us the cans! I just looked at it and said, "hey, that looks like a…"

**Chapter 1**

_If an innocent llama looked into a certain room in the Dancing Dove, they would see Alanna and George doing something not very nice under a giant book, whilst Jon smiled through a hole in the book._

"_Brisingr!" shouted George, as a pillar the gold colour of his Gift shot through window of the book they we doing the not-very-nice-things under. Alanna stuck out her tongue at Jon._

"_Don't look at me without my clothes on."_

"_But, my Gucci little giraffe, I have seen you naked trillions of times before!"_

_Jon ran away. _

_Half an hour later, Alanna arrived at the palace. The first the thing she said was, "Sorry Jon, I was lemon high."_

_Ten minutes later…_

"**But it's true!" Jon protested.**

"**Gah!" Alanna said, frustrated. "What's that?" she asked, pointing at a strange thing on the side.**

"**It's a displacement can," Jon told her, "but it looks like a…"**

"**Yeah, right, I get it!" Alanna said quickly, clamping her hand tightly over his mouth.**

"**Mphhrg, mmph mmphfrgg mmph!" Jon told her.**

"**What? The? Heck? Was? That?" Alanna asked. **

_What the heck. I think my alter egos are playing up. I alternate liking Jon and George every few hours. The only problem is that George is nicer. Oh phew, my George ego is back, but I am standing wearing not much looking at a can that has a spout that looks like a p-pp-p-p-p-, oh well, never mind… Oh no, Jon ego is coming back…_

**"Jon is preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeety!" Alanna shrieked. She launched herself into Jon's arms. **

**"…?" Jon said.**

**"I am preeeeeety too! You are…huh? Why am I talking to myself in my head? Hmm…" **

**"You have preeeeety eyes, and hair, and Gift. I am preeeetier than youuuu, but you are still preeeety! George is yucky, ewwwww!"**

_"What the f?" said Jon, as Alanna, who was a minute ago talking to herself, threw herself into his arms. He was about to give her a VERY long kiss when her George liking ego switched on. She ran away to the Dancing Dove, grabbed George, and ran out of the city, where they were confronted by Tamsin the elf goddess. _

_Atra gulai un ilian tauthar ono un atra ono weise skolar dra rauhar. (Translation: May luck and happiness follow you and may you be a shield from danger.) A dwarf stood behind her. His name was Tutankhamen the dinosaur. He said, "Barzul, tronjheim, k ostha-merna, lly carnz orodum sheilven O' egraz carn." A translation would be: "Fuck, Helm of the Giants, foot-pool. It is your destiny, towards of bald one._

_"I am not bald!" said George._

_"He is crazy, but right," said Alanna._

"**I can change all that!" the deity known as the llama goddess said as she appeared in a cloud of pink smoke and glitter in true goddess style. She zapped off all the hair on George's head with her magical Llama Powers. **

"**I am an all powerful goddess, worship me!" All of the mortals bowed, dropped to their knees, and chorused: "All hail the Llama Goddess!"**

_Oh dear, the Llama Goddess has used her power to suspend me in a neither a Jon or George killing maniac._

_Faleron, the gorgeous time traveller got in Alanna's way. She stabbed him. In his last dying seconds he professed undying love to her. Then they, well, let's just say you wouldn't want to be watching them. Only George was. He hacked at Faleron's naked body. He died in Alanna's arms._

_(Manicpony24: I am dramatic, aren't I?)_

"**What the…eww, Faleron! Yuck!" Alanna shrieked, disgusted. **

**Meep, isn't Jon so… Yay, Jon ego is bacckkk!**

**Alanna jumped into Jon's arms again and kissed him for a long time. A VERY long time. **

_Just then, she realised that was impossible, as Jon was in the city and she was in the woods. Suddenly she gave Faleron a last passionate kiss as Tamsin the elf goddess reappeared._

_"It is the wydu (fate) of the Rogue, that he shall only marry a virgin. The elf turned her into a virgin. She went off and married George, but it is a law in Tortall that if you have an affair during your marriage, you are automatically divorced._

_Twenty minutes later, Jon and Alanna were kissing passionately in the garden._

_"Remember," said Alanna, "when I was a squire, with the moonlight and silliness. Remember how it could have turned out? Let's try it now…"_

_An hour later, the newly divorced Alanna said, "I'm hot,"_

**"I know you are," said Jon.**

_"Ha ha. Anyway, I think I'll have a shower."_

_"Showers haven't been invented, my pretty little tomato flavoured chocolate coated blueberry marshmallow flavoured muffin. Well, I'll join you anyway…"_

_"No way, you disgusting maggot flavoured potato."_

_She went to Liam, and…_

_Later that day, they visited Pirate Pegleg and the lady of Kennan. They were naming their baby._

_"The Jolly Jane," said Pegleg._

_"No, Cleon," said Lady Kennan._

_"Ok," said Pegleg. Unfortunately, Pegleg thought the baby was a ship. He smashed a bottle of champagne over its head. Cleon died. A fragment of glass bounced against Liam's hollow brain, killing him. It hit Ralon the toddler who was walking by. His assassin's knife flew out of his belt and speared Thayet. She died. She fell into a vat of boiling oil. A drop splattered onto Legless (aka Legolas) the legless elf killing him. He killed Delia and in her dying moments she stabbed Josiane._

_"Whooopsie daisy," said Alanna, and walked off._

A/N: Review, pleeeease!


	2. Chapter 2

Note: Ahem, strange or what? PS: Can you guess that MP24 fancies Aragorn? Lol. Well, she does…

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Now go AWAY!

Chapter 2 

_In a flash of smoke and a puff of light, a gorgeous figure appeared before Alanna._

"_I am Aragorn, heir of Gondor and high king of Muddle Earth. You are more gorgeous than my little marshmallow muffin Arwen."_

_So saying he kissed her. Alanna smiled, George swore, and they went to a bedroom…_

Ooh heck. Ooochy, Aragorn is sooooo cute. Oh dear, Jon ego coming on… 

"**Ewwy!" Alanna shrieked. "Get away from me you freaky…eww!" **

**Suddenly Jon appeared. "Do not worry, smoochy little cuddle panda!" he proclaimed, sweeping her up into his arms and running away with her.**

Aragorn let out a roar, and made a rugby tackle at George. George tried to stab him, but suddenly Arwen appeared by him, wearing not much, and with an arrow notched to her elegant bow, pointed at George. George stood still, mouth open, trying to see exactly HOW short Arwen's mini skirt was. Alanna clung around Aragorn's neck, and he swept her up into his arms and ran off.

"_Ouch, my neck. You DO need to be careful."_

Oh heck, there is Jon racing after us. Oh no, Jon ego coming back… "Jon, what the…" 

"**Shush, Lanna! Gonna save you now!" Jon told her.**

"**Okay!" Alanna replied happily. Jon picked her up.**

"**Come on, my kissy little kitten!" Jon said.**

"**Muhahaha!" Alanna said, and kissed him happily.**

Suddenly Raoul appeared, professed undying love for Alanna, and hauled all 70 kg of Alanna onto his horse.

"_Gods, you weigh a ton. Ouch, my back."_

_And they galloped away. Unfortunately Frodo and Sam were doing something not nice behind a bush. His horse smelled them and galloped off a cliff. Raoul dropped, but Alanna was left hanging off the cliff._

MP24: What a cliffy, huh? Lol.


	3. Chapter 3

Note: Helloooo! Here's an update…

Warning: VERY strong language near the end. Du hast been warned!

Chapter 3 

Alanna was looking down and saw Raoul drop into the sea to certain death, but he fell onto his speedboat into his speedboat, and jet-skied away. Unfortunately Alanna was busy craning her neck to see his six-pack (Pink Squishy Llama: How clever is SHE? Lol…) and forgot to hold onto the cliff, and plummeted towards the sea. Just then, a flying winged pencil-case piloted by Anya the yellow Leonardo Di Caprio goddess swooped down and caught her. Behind it was George, who was wearing a pink sparkly cowboy hat, and whirling a green lasso above his head, and standing on a flying lunchbox. On the sea, below, Raoul had reappeared, standing at the prow of a fleet of hover-wardrobes. Just then, as Alanna's alter egos were changing, guess who appeared?

"**Milking for moooooo-lah!" Jon screeched, and appeared in front of Alanna. "Eeep!" He fell out of the sky. Thankfully, the Great Llama Goddess (moi! Ich! Me!) was there to levitate him back up to Alanna. He climbed up onto alanna's pencil-case. **

"**Yay! Now help me!" Alanna screeched. **

"**Coming, my little party panda!" Jon called back.**

"**I hate Mrs V!" Alanna replied, "come save me, quick!"**

Lo and behold, the terrible monster of Mrs V was drawing near. She was one of the weird people who call Scanra Germany. But luckily the clever elf goddess disintegrated the flying cello case she was standing on, so she fell into the sea and drowned. Meanwhile. Jon and George were duelling on the pencil case about who got to stand next to Alanna. The sparkly pink cowboy hat had fallen into the sea, and so had Jon's spotty sombrero. George had his lasso around Jon's feet, and threw him into the sea. Jon landed on a floating cd-rom, but George instantly started crying over the loss of a good rhinestone lasso. But he instantly recovered and whisked Alanna onto a helicopter in the shape of a crocodile. They went on a safari to see coughing fromps in Antarctica.

**Jon appeared in front of Alanna again.**

"**Oh my God, it must be a dream!" Alanna whispered, gazing at him wide-eyed.**

**She closed her eyes, then opened them. "Oh my God, it wasn't a dream!"**

"**Like a rhinestone cowboyyy…" George sang to himself loudly.**

"**I'm sailiiing awaaaaaay!" sang Mrs V, floating in the sea on a barrel. **

"**Shut up!" Alanna called and threw a brick at her. Mrs V screamed and fell into the sea unconscious. "ARRRGH! She's not dead. Crap." Alanna mumbled. **

_Two weeks later, Alanna and George were on a romantic cruise in the Sahara desert. All of a sudden they realised that there was no water, so they fell onto the sand._

_"Ouch, my bum!" said Alanna._

"_Shut up my baby moo plant. Look."_

_Alanna and George looked, and saw (in the middle of the Sahara desert) Mrs V and MrC kissing on an iceberg in the middle of an oasis. George and Alanna grabbed them, and led them underground to a top secret torture lab, where Jon and Thayet's ghost were wearing white rubber coats and goggles, torturing Mr B, forcing him to reveal his true identity as an evil ballerina elf in disguise._

_Oh heck. George is such a gorgeous hunk. He tortures them so well. Oh dear. Shit. Fuck. BLOODY HELL. Crap etc. Ego change. _

"**Das ist eine llama!" Alanna shouted "Jonnnnnnnnn! Ooh, flashy lights, what's that?" she said, bemused, walking over to the button labelled "DO NOT EVER PUSH!" and, of course, pushing it…**

**Thepeople held in cages all ran out and went ape shite.**


End file.
